My mother kept it all to herself for reasons she herself can fathom.  She claimed she never conquered her fear. She claimed she wanted to shield us from anxieties and worries. She had her reasons for not letting us know about her condition, a classic case of a cancer victim according to her oncologist.

Anger became the first emotion, which took the rein of what to me now would be a saga of surviving the trial of a loved one fighting the disease. I was angry that she kept it from us. I was angry that she just ignored it until it became worse.  I was angry that I did not even notice when I was just there in the same roof living with her at the symptoms screaming out loud in my face.  I was angry that everything was all in the brink of falling to its inevitable end.  I was angry that time seemed to engulf me into the reality of a most painful occurrence which I was not ready to accept.

I felt like kicking and screaming and crying out loud just to let my anger out but ended up in vain.  For no matter what I do ANGER remained its tight grasp on the totality of my personhood like the cancer cells themselves.

PRAYER…

Dear God,

Appease my anger and increase my faith.  I offer to you this heavy feeling, which seemed like a lump on my throat pushing a waterfall of tears.  As I offer to You my anger, I also embrace it within me to reflect a much more overwhelming realization and a deeper meditation of Your message in this experience.

STILL ON ANGER…

My comprehension of the whole scenario melted again and I am back to square one. ANGER still possesses the totality of my being. I have not conquered it. I seemed to be losing in the battle against ANGER.

First, I am angry at the world for people to continue with their lies as if nothing happened.  A newly wed couple still continues to start building their new lives together when my mother’s life seemed to end. They can still go out and watch a movie when my mother’s life story seemed to roll to its final curtains.  I am angry because people claimed they care but their actions speak otherwise.

I am angry because I was the one who must give up a lot of things to take responsibility.  I am angry that m carefully planned lifestyle has to change in a matter of seconds   and their carefully arranged schedule have to go on.

I am most angry because I do not get to be appreciated despite of all the things I have done. I am most angry that they are still better than me even if I offered more and sacrificed more …

PRAYER…

Dear God,

I do not ask you to appease my anger anymore. Instead I ask forgiveness for such a potent emotion.  Forgive me for being angry.

Strengthen within me the realization that life must indeed go on no matter how grave things can be. It is because life should be embraced with its gentle and harsh realities. Let me be grateful that I have responded to your call to serve the sick.  It does not mean that those who go on with their lives as if nothing happened care less.  It is just only few take the responsibility to serve because they care just as much. They are blessings to people whom they served no matter how minute their contributions are.  Remind me how Jesus, Your Son, healed lots of people but few remained in HIS deathbed.  One does not always get the appreciation or approval he seeks after doing something good.  In fact, he may not even get any.  Remind me always that it is your favor that I seek.  For if you approved of what I do, and then I am made complete as your follower.

FEAR…

The issue of death manifested itself through the death of my father a decade ago. The experience led me away from God. The pain was so intense that the slim faith I had slipped away so easily. I was afraid of dying.

Until now, I am afraid of death. I am mostly afraid of the physical pain that the person experiences when he climbs up the fence, which separates the living from the dead. It scares me to think of the moment, no matter how long or short it would be, measured by minutes or seconds that a person would chase after the air that would be his last anchor to life. It scares me to think of an intense throbbing of a body part succumbing to death.

They say cancer is a very painful disease.  I am afraid even to think of my frail mother with only skin and bones left of her, struggling after that incurable pain…

PRAYER…

Dear God,

Needles and pins frighten me. The sight of blood also frightens me.  What term higher than fear could describe how I feel for death?

Death is a particular experience for an individual.  I can never share the pain of another person’s pain. I will have my own hurts to deal with.

Remind me of the wounds YOU bestowed in the Cross, which you did not deserve. Remind me of the courage you exemplified as you obeyed Your Father’s will.

When the time comes for my loved ones and for me to experience death, may we embrace it bravely?  Hold our hand and reassure us that even if nobody can share the experience with us, you would be there.

However, while I live, let me not be paralyzed by fear as I go on realizing myself in this lifetime…

ACCEPTANCE…

The reality of cancer did not enter my life to bring me back to God, for indeed there was a time in my life when I doubted His existence.  An insignificant event I cannot even remember was the turning point for me to acknowledge God in my life.  I was nourishing a more steadfast grace of faith when I learned that my mother has cancer.  It’s amazing how fast I grappled with the reality of the disease.  I went through the normal phases of anger, pain and fear before acceptance finally healed me.

While I had the thinnest of faith with God, I was in control and self-sufficient.  Yet, I crumble amidst a minor problem.  With a firmer grip on God, I am no longer in control.  I even feel weak.   However, I stand steadfast amidst a grave situation like surviving the trial of a loved one against cancer.  This is not a theory that would beckon argumentation but an experience, God is doing it all for me.  He is responsible for healing me.  The sacrament of acceptance is so far the biggest miracle that ever happened to me.

PRAYER…

Dear God,

I do not wish anymore for a miracle to happen for you must manifest your presence in my life and among those who are suffering cancer like my mother.  It is not succumbing to passivity but rather embracing the sacrament of acceptance. It is not the acceptance of defeat and hopelessness but an affirmation of your presence in our struggle.

Last night, I found another imagery of these unforeseen moments in a picture of an old single wheel burrowed in the ground amidst the tall perennial grass that seemingly screamed out, “I am forgotten and alone.”

I dealt with these moments before in a different way. I did sporadic things. I read books until my head hurt.  I shopped until I dropped. I wrote  poems that ended in jargons. I wept endlessly until there were no more tears to shed. I drunk and got wasted.

These were the ways how I dealt with such moments. This was the time when I was clueless and restless as to why I even had these moments. For then again, I never knew the reasons that prompted these moments.  Was it fear?  Was it meaninglessness?  Was it restlessness?  Was it the lurking idea of death?

At present, I only do one thing when confronted with the loneliness of a solitary existence.  I allow myself to shoot up into the sky. Up and high…I go.  Then, I let the darkness and silence of the universe engulf me until it deafens me with its vacuum of nothingness. I hold out my hand like grasping something beyond reach.  Unexplainably, a vision of another hand, with a single prominent wound that never seemed to heal, reaches out to grasp my own. Then, I allow myself to be held and loved by the living presence of the hand that reached out. During these moments, I usually burst into tears for reasons and emotions I could not understand.  And yet I know, it is not because of loneliness.

This time around, I almost welcome the precious moments amidst a wonderful life I have.  In fact, I wait for these moments to embrace me. It is because now, I have finally realized that these moments remind me that even if my life is great and all, I could never really be truly happy.  There will always be a part of me that will remain sad, alone and needing… only completed and appeased by the Love that is… by God.  Unfortunately though, I could only have a fleeting taste and glimpse in this lifetime.

I keep the vision of shooting up in the sky and the picture of the old wheel amidst the tall, green, perennial grass in a safe place in my heart.  It is still screaming, “I am forgotten and alone.”  This time, I do not mind.

I guess I will never be healed from the pain eversince I experienced the first death encounter in our family.   I just hold on to what my faith is telling me.  The crucified and glorified Jesus conquered death.  And despite the pain, this reality brings in a bigger joy.

Recently, I chanced upon this new site that encourage pray partners.  I think it is a good idea to pray for others.  In this way, people hold on to each other keeping the living presence of Jesus.

I pray for the repose of my grandma’s soul.  I know the rest of the family is praying for her too.  Just as she is probably praying for those she left behind.

Exemplary Work Attitude

Abba’s Child Science School presented an Award of Recognition to some of its students for displaying an Exemplary Work Attitude in performing his or her tasks during its closing program for 2009.

Unlike traditional schools, this award is not gauged on the student’s academic standing only but his or her total attitude in his or her being a student for the year.

The rationale behind this award is to recognize that a person at the end of his journey as a student and joining the workforce, finding a job and sustaining it does not entirely depend on his academic rating in school.

At the end of the day, the success of the person depends on his work attitude.  This is a novel way of recognizing the efforts of the students and parents as well who are partners in the children’s educational upbringing and orientation.      

Congratulations to all the people who are involved in one way or another in the school year that was!

blooming in spring...

It seemed like yesterday when a total stranger found me on skype and sent me a picture of France which showed trees, road leading to nowhere, houses all covered in thick snow.

Now, spring is here. How time flew, ran and passed me by like a gust of wind. Now, renewal of things and life are in the offing until summer. Until, time again shall turn cold.

The stranger has also gone his way after sharing a glimpse of his world. Ice has melted, people are rejoicing for spring.

Hope…beginning …blooming forth…rushing in…almost like spring.